victoriousk

“You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore,
Not that you knew me back then”

Went out tonight. First, did not know I was going out, so I was not dressed or properly accessorized (carrying a giant purse). That was not so fun. Yet this bitch (me!) still gets a number. Like a boss. It was a lot of fun though; I need to go out more often. That will be my goal from here on out.
The other thing though…I may have been going out with high school friends, but that does not mean I want to run into 6 other people I went to high school with! And why are you people hugging me?! I was NOT your friend, and I don’t remember your name. You certainly don’t remember mine. Get your drunk-ass self off me and stop groping my body.
Overall I had a good time though.
Oh, and cover charge: $10. Drinks: $20. Watching drunk fall over themselves while dancing and then get kicked out? Priceless.

Going to go see Christian Kane tonight!! So excited I can not even express in words.
Also:: VIP passes. Life is awesome right now.
Tomorrow it will return to being pretty much crap, but today I don’t think I can get any happier.
Will post the picture of me and Christian Kane later.
Pretty sure tonight will be the best night of the year, hands down. Possibly life. Haha. But seriously.
Kaniac for life, babies.
And just remember rule number 7: “don’t touch the women, but they can grab whatever they want to”!!

Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need you to go

Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay

Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know
Somehow I need to be alone

Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay

I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away
I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away

With no apologies

Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
Take all your faithlessness with you
Just give me myself back and
Don’t stay

Don’t stay

Don’t stay

Why do I miss and want you so much more at night?
I know why.
Beyond that lying here in bed, in dark and quiet, makes me more contemplative; not only that tired but not sleepy I want arms around me to help me drift off; it’s more than the silence is pleading with me to be filled with your whispers and laugh::
Nights were our time to be- with no eyes weighing us with expectations and judgements til we almost collapsed; as everyone else was quiescent we were active, boisterious, while we learned, laughed, danced away in halls and parks; they were a time for us to share, dreams and failures and things so inconsequential they were all that mattered. For it was so important to have the sharing of them with you.
In the dark, we could be as close as we liked, as we wanted; had to be, to hear and see you.
Most of my best memories of you come from nighttime.
But like other things of the night, we are only a dream, as fleeting and wishful as the rest of it’s kind.
And I never remember my dreams.
It’s almost too bad I can’t help but remember you.

When you are least expecting it

Is when things happen. Everyone always told me that and I finally started believing them.
It’s completely true!
I had decided to just stop stressing about guys and drama and petty crap and just have fun, enjoy life, see what happens.
And oh boy, what did happen!! Cute EMT, tall buff and tattooed!, came in tonight. So we chat a little when he’s ordering and then he and his partner sit down across from the bar. He keeps staring at me, smiling, etc. When they left, he turned as he walked out the door and smiled. I held eye contact and smiled back.
He returns a minute later, comes up, says he needed to leave something there, and puts a sleeve with a name and number on the bar!!
So we have been texting. He’s a little assertive, definitely flirty, and we are totally on the same page.
I am very happy tonight.

All I want to do is swear. Or maybe cry. Rage and scream and hit something. Actually be hysterical. For once, for real. Damn damn and double shitty damn. Saturday. I just have to wait til then. Maybe things will be better. Seriously starting to doubt that though. I can hold out to Saturday.

I think.

On The Intricacies of Infidelity

Tonight, more than ever, I felt like the ‘other woman’. I saw, out of the corner of my eye, you lie to her. You didn’t even try to hide the screen. Granted, we were sharing your laptop but still. You did not lie outright, but you did not tell the truth. In these matters, that is everything. You deliberately led her to believe you were alone, had no opportunity to socialize, make time for her. I was lying next to you in my sweats. Was I ashamed? Disappointed? Thrilled? Sad? Angry? I don’t know. I am at the point where I don’t want to think about what is happening, what might happen, and just take all as it comes. I refuse to stress and worry. Overtly, anyway. I saw she said you loved you, I didn’t see you return it. Not even as a good night. You made little effort to face her issue with you, to address her concerns, fix the problem she outlined. Why are you in a relationship if you don’t care? You drive to me once you see missed calls, but you claim to her that your phone is dead, you’re not ignoring her. She asked your mom where you were; really?? And you offered nothing for that tidbit of information. She had to let the non-fight go. I didn’t mean to peek. Not past the first bit. I did a pretty admirable job. Perhaps you did say ‘I love you’. Maybe you even meant it in the real sense, said because it’s true, not as a conciliatory. Or the guilt she might have meant. If you did, only a little while later you had your front pressed to my back, arm tucked to my waist, and you pillowed your head against mine as we shared laughs in our own little world.

We have always, I am starting to think, been having an emotional affair, if such a thing can be had. You are unfaithful in your heart. Now day after day we inch closer to the physical. I am starting to think it’s the former that’s worst of all. I occasionally have a moment when I feel she is the intruder, the ‘other woman’, that you betray me with her, and I know that it is so—wanting me for love is much worse than doing something for lust.