victoriousk

Went out tonight. First, did not know I was going out, so I was not dressed or properly accessorized (carrying a giant purse). That was not so fun. Yet this bitch (me!) still gets a number. Like a boss. It was a lot of fun though; I need to go out more often. That will be my goal from here on out.
The other thing though…I may have been going out with high school friends, but that does not mean I want to run into 6 other people I went to high school with! And why are you people hugging me?! I was NOT your friend, and I don’t remember your name. You certainly don’t remember mine. Get your drunk-ass self off me and stop groping my body.
Overall I had a good time though.
Oh, and cover charge: $10. Drinks: $20. Watching drunk fall over themselves while dancing and then get kicked out? Priceless.

When you are least expecting it

Is when things happen. Everyone always told me that and I finally started believing them.
It’s completely true!
I had decided to just stop stressing about guys and drama and petty crap and just have fun, enjoy life, see what happens.
And oh boy, what did happen!! Cute EMT, tall buff and tattooed!, came in tonight. So we chat a little when he’s ordering and then he and his partner sit down across from the bar. He keeps staring at me, smiling, etc. When they left, he turned as he walked out the door and smiled. I held eye contact and smiled back.
He returns a minute later, comes up, says he needed to leave something there, and puts a sleeve with a name and number on the bar!!
So we have been texting. He’s a little assertive, definitely flirty, and we are totally on the same page.
I am very happy tonight.

Couldn’t Decide Between Happy or Sad

So this boy. A long time friend. Nothing more ever happened for a variety of reasons. Timing was bad, he wasn’t looking for something, I wasn’t looking for something, etc etc. Lately though I’ve been giving it thought.

I never wanted to ruin the friendship by doing something stupid. Our friendship…it’s super solid. We are so comfortable with each other. We have open honest talks when something’s bugging, we just click, we can always make each other laugh. He is someone of value in my life, and I was dumb if I was going to potentially screw that up.

But recently I’ve been thinking, right? Maybe not doing anything, ignoring the feelings, is just as ruinous as doing something. I was burned because I loved a friend and nothing happened, and that was what hurt and ruined everything—nothing ever happening, just staying so connected to someone else but wanting more, always more, and never having it.

I didn’t want that again, couldn’t bear the thought I was doing it to someone else.

I know he loves me, I know I love him (we have expressed this before). We always kept that to mean platonic love, friend love, but something more, something deeper dances beneath the surface. The potential glimmers brightly in my mind and heart, reflecting in every look, every hug, each quiet moment we just breathe together.

So I brought it up last night. I was pretty sure that no matter what we decided, our friendship would still be there. I was finally confident enough that our bond would last it. It hasn’t broken before. I asked him what he thought of our friendship, where he saw it as, and where he wanted it to go.

If, those times he had jokingly propositioned me, there had been a little truth behind it. Asked, in an implied sort of manner, if he was willing to take a chance on me, a chance on us.

He wanted it. But he wouldn’t make it happen. Because I am a virgin, and he is not, he does not want to risk a relationship. He feels his last relationship (which did get bad at the end) was, in large part, fractious because of the tension between him not being a virgin and his girlfriend’s being one. He believes this is what caused it to go so badly, and so he won’t do it again, won’t get involved with someone who doesn’t have the same, well, life experiences, I shall say.

It hurt. It really hurt. But. Always, a but. I know I’m not his ex (he know this too, he assured me), still I know he was trying to respect me. He didn’t ask me to be ready to do something I am, in honesty, not and he values me enough to not put me in the position where this pressure and tension will occur. He is doing what he feels is right and is, I feel, genuinely looking out for me. And us.

Doesn’t mean I’m happy. I understand, a little, anyway. Or I’m trying. I promise.

So I’m saddened and crushed, part of my heart bleeding just that little bit more as I lay in his arms, head cushioned on a familiar chest, warm arms wrapped around me. I take solace knowing, at the least, this will not destroy our friendship, as other things have not. Knowing that talking CAN fix things without ruining them. I always knew it was a good thing I did it so much.

I’m happy, too, though, not just because our friendship is intact, layered though it may be with another something-we-don’t-talk-about, a new facet to what we have shared together. He walked me to my car, always a gentleman that one (plus he was the one with the umbrella), and we kissed as he dropped me off. Maybe it was stupid, after everything that was said, but I wanted that. I get to be selfish. For just about the first time, I was selfish in a friendship, took something I wanted. Also, I mean, it’s practically a given everyone needs one kiss in the rain, right? Lucky me, I got three. It still didn’t tarnish anything, we texted like always when I got home later. We’re made of sterner stuff than most, I figure, me and this boy.

I have hope. I have always firmly believed that things work (especially if you work them right!), and so I will wait and watch and take life as it happens. Hope though. Such a quintessential human thing, so precious. —Also, eminently practical as I am, I have a few little facts backing up my faith in this. Firstly, that he was quite jealous over the bite marks from when I went out clubbing (a guy I was dancing with got a little over-zealous). If he realizes I have other options, am wanted by others, can get others, it may get him considering starting something. Also, after I was firmly ensconced in my car, as he was walking away, umbrella in hind, he suddenly ran and jumped, doing an impressive heel kick as he flung his arms out in joy. He later confessed how ‘damn good’ he was feeling.

So yeah, things didn’t go perfectly, but altogether? Not bad either.