On The Intricacies of Infidelity
Tonight, more than ever, I felt like the ‘other woman’. I saw, out of the corner of my eye, you lie to her. You didn’t even try to hide the screen. Granted, we were sharing your laptop but still. You did not lie outright, but you did not tell the truth. In these matters, that is everything. You deliberately led her to believe you were alone, had no opportunity to socialize, make time for her. I was lying next to you in my sweats. Was I ashamed? Disappointed? Thrilled? Sad? Angry? I don’t know. I am at the point where I don’t want to think about what is happening, what might happen, and just take all as it comes. I refuse to stress and worry. Overtly, anyway. I saw she said you loved you, I didn’t see you return it. Not even as a good night. You made little effort to face her issue with you, to address her concerns, fix the problem she outlined. Why are you in a relationship if you don’t care? You drive to me once you see missed calls, but you claim to her that your phone is dead, you’re not ignoring her. She asked your mom where you were; really?? And you offered nothing for that tidbit of information. She had to let the non-fight go. I didn’t mean to peek. Not past the first bit. I did a pretty admirable job. Perhaps you did say ‘I love you’. Maybe you even meant it in the real sense, said because it’s true, not as a conciliatory. Or the guilt she might have meant. If you did, only a little while later you had your front pressed to my back, arm tucked to my waist, and you pillowed your head against mine as we shared laughs in our own little world.
We have always, I am starting to think, been having an emotional affair, if such a thing can be had. You are unfaithful in your heart. Now day after day we inch closer to the physical. I am starting to think it’s the former that’s worst of all. I occasionally have a moment when I feel she is the intruder, the ‘other woman’, that you betray me with her, and I know that it is so—wanting me for love is much worse than doing something for lust.
button
